


we don't look like we used to

by lemonheadlester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Conversations, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 01:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20381224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonheadlester/pseuds/lemonheadlester
Summary: In the aftermath of Dan's big reveal, he and Phil talk about their past.





	we don't look like we used to

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the pff hits different fest. I wasn't able to focus on one moment specifically so hopefully this'll do. Thank you to @philhcwell (tumblr) for helping me with this :)

The words come unexpectedly on a sleepy Thursday afternoon, about a week after the release of Dan's new video.

"This feels okay, you know."

Dan turns to Phil, who sleepily stares at him through eyes that struggle to stay open after he'd been up all night. 

"What does?"

"What our audience knows. I feel comfortable with it."

Dan smiles, gently pulling the covers over his tired boyfriend.

"I am too."

Phil yawns.

"You think they get it, like _ really _get it now?"

"You need to stop staying up so late, philly." Dan giggles. "You're not making a whole lot of sense."

"Oi, you know what I mean. I'm being serious."

Dan traces a finger across Phil’s face. "I know, babe.” He assures him. “We've been over this several times. I didn't share anything I didn't want to, and neither will you."

Phil yawns. "That's good."

"Have you looked to see what they're saying?"

"A bit...yeah."

Their audience. Dan has thought about it a lot, about how different things are now, now that he’s out. He’s still trying to process the things they know now.

"It's a shame you're not doing a Dan memes this year.” Phil jokes. “It would have been perfect."

Dan furrows his brows as he starts to fidget with his hair. Phil can tell he took the joke a bit too seriously. He takes Dan’s hand away from the stray hairs dangling above his eyes and holds them firmly. He waits for him to say something, anything to indicate that something is wrong.

“It’s a shame I’m not doing a lot of things, but I think it’s for the better.” He smiles. “Don’t worry. Everything feels perfect right now.”

Phil nods, letting Dan’s hands go and clumsily scooting over to him so that he can rest his head in his lap. Dan brushes his fingers through his hair and smiles down at him, listening to the soft hums that escape his boyfriend’s slightly chapped lips. 

“Hey Dan?”

“Yeah?”

Phil lets his eyes flutter a few times as he turns over and settles his chin on Dan’s thigh. Dan laughs, causing him to shift slightly from the movement. 

“Are you happy?” He asks, leaning into Dan’s warmth and breathing slowly.

“Compared to a few years ago? Definitely.” He sighs. “Why? Are you worried?”

“You know I’m always worried about you.”

Dan chuckles. He feels his cheeks start to fluster. He’d be willing to bet that if Phil weren’t so tired he would be poking his dimple right now, and the thought makes him blush even more.

“Yeah.” He agrees. “You seem to be worrying in typical Phil fashion right now.”

“It just feels different, y’know? Now that you’ve essentially told the world about us.”

"I never confirmed anything, Phil."

"You didn't have to” Phil says, his voice now a reassuring whisper. “You knew that people would know exactly what you meant without you having to say anything outright."

“I guess that was my intention."

Phil looks up at him, his lips spread into a grin. "You do realize you've broken the internet, yeah?"

Dan shakes his head as he chuckles.

"Shut up, you twat."

Phil shifts closer, and Dan wonders if he’s been subconsciously doing that every time either of them said something serious or stupidly affectionate.

"I've been thinking about stuff like that." Phil admits. “For a while now.”

"Breaking the internet?"

"No, I mean the iconic _ Dan and Phil _moments. I mean where would we be if I hadn't nearly cracked your skull open on my dresser? Or forced you to share an award with me.”

Dan giggles at the realization. "We'd probably still be here, you dork."

“But I guess you could say it _ hits differently.” _Phil winks.

Dan laughs, knowing exactly where that phrase came from and where Phil saw it.

“I thought you said you were against stalking our audience?” 

“I didn’t stalk! I just saw the phrase floating around and I had to have a little think about it.”

_ Yeah, sure. _Dan thinks. He smiles affectionately. “Is that why we’re having this conversation right now, because you’re being nostalgic?”

Phil starts tracing circle over Dan’s thigh, the one he’d been suing as a pillow, and yawning as he does so.

“Maybe.”

Dan sighs. “I don't miss it, in way. I’m glad that I’m here, and not there.”

"Yeah, but people still talk about it for a reason."

"Probably because I couldn't hide my gayness very well back then." Dan jokes.

"That’s not what I’m talking about though. People know what you’ve been through now, they understand that even though we made it seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows, it wasn’t.”

“Yeah.” Dan agrees. “I think it’s important for them to know that, though. I feel like we’ve accidentally created some very high expectations among people who see us and think _ “oh, they seem so happy and in love all the time, I wish that were me” _ and I just don’t think that’s fair to them.”

“Pretending to happy?”

“Yeah, I mean not to say you haven’t made me happy. You know you have. I just think it’s good to be real.”

"Do you think about it at all? What it was like back then and where we are now? Do you regret anything?”

“I do, and no. No, I don’t.”

“You wouldn’t change any of the things we’ve done?”

“Of course not. I was scared for a long time, I didn’t want to destroy this thing that we made together, that we put years of our existence into, but either way we’ve still made it to this point in our lives. It all worked out.” 

“I still find it hard to believe, how drastically things have changed in the past few years, the fact that I can just say_ things. _I can be real now, and I know that I’ll still be accepted.”

“I can just say it now.” He lets out a breath of disbelief. “I’m gay.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he smiles. Dan is _ happy _to be here, and nothing will change that.

“I’m really proud of you, you know that?” Phil whispers, reaching up to delicately touch Dan’s cheek, who leans down and rests his head against his. Phil lets out the most precious giggle that has Dan pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“I know.” He mumbles.

Phil lets out an exhale and closes his eyes, letting himself start to drift into sleep.

"Hey, Dan?" 

"Mm..yeah?

There’s a few seconds of silence that have Dan wondering if Phil had fallen asleep, but then me he moves his lips ever so slightly and whispers three words. Words Dan has heard so many times, and will never be tired of hearing. 

“I love you.”

Dan can feel a tear starting to slip down his cheek, he lets it happen. He doesn’t have to be ashamed anymore, he doesn’t have to hide, especially not from the man he loves.

“I love you too, idiot. Now please get some fucking sleep.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @lemonheadlester


End file.
